speaking plainly
for when you can't find the words
i hate the smell of him when he’s been drinking i feel sick i feel sick i feel sick i don’t even know you and i feel sick if i hold my breath for long enough, maybe you’ll go away i wish i’d got the next bus not this one with him on it i wish those things had never happened to me and changed my brain chemistry so the smell of a stranger makes me want to go missing, forever i tried to say something clever but i ran out of words today and i’m tripping over my tail again i try not to breathe around you i try not to get too close i try not to why did i why did i why did i why did why i i don’t know what i wanted i wanted you i don’t know what i wanted i wanted i want want what does that mean, to want? what’s there, in the wanting? why did it make me wrong? why did it make me into something i’m afraid of? being this careful is exhausting and i care so much i do why couldn’t you see that? i changed pace did you notice? i was angry i was so angry i wanted to say if you treat me like something fragile, i might break but i just looked at you, glazed over opened my mouth and failed to make a single sound for someone who likes noise i can be awfully quiet if you’re so scared of the dark why don’t you put the light on? i wanted to be that for you the light but i think the darkness in me pulled you in and enveloped you i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so sorry did they tell you i’m going away? does it feel gratifying in some way to know my failing? the darkness closing in i’m off the bus and being sick on the pavement while they watch me what am i doing? i’m thrown off again i feel so stupid, looking at my vomit on the street all naked, my insides now out it’s venus day i speak plainly i don’t have it in me to do anything else it’s venus day but i’m dead out of luck it’s venus day but i don’t have it in me i can see the future does it have you in it? i can see the future but i want the past back your eyes are in the rear view mirror, watching me while i sit in silence dying to speak plainly but the words evade my mouth i’m tired of my own riddles the eternal worm of my life i can’t do it again can’t watch you fall apart at my hands no more pain this is the end it’s venus day and there’s nothing left to say